Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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