youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
