Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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