yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
