You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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