I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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