Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize