He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
