dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
