Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
