i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
