i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
