That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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