Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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