Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
