If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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