Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
