Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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