I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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