Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
