I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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