i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
