can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
