mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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