Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
