Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
