So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize