And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
