textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize