I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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