Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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