Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
