The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
