Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
dude. I can hear the air.
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