dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
