Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
