I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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