where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
