Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize