The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just invented taco cereal.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Cover your peen. We're going out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
