I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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