ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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