i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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