What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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