I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
