there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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