the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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