Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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