no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
