Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
