i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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