Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
