Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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