nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
