Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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