k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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