Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
