You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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