STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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