Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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