He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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