I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
