i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
