I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
