hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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