Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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